Marriage Enrichment
In the enriching of a marriage, there must be constant appreciation for each other and thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. A couple must encourage and help each other grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine. When couples are able to truly love, the little annoyances in marriage that can become so overriding will matter far less.
Move toward “we,” “us,” and “ours.”
Many couples experience almost immediate results when they return to doing things as a team. This can be encouraged by referring to the home, the children, and even the problems in a way that reflects joint responsibility. Start by using the words we, us, and ours in describing them. This strategy will encourage more closeness mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Rediscover the magic.
Remember what it is that first attracted each of you to the other and what you both did during the courtship that resulted in mutual feelings of love.
Some wives are so absorbed in motherhood and taking care of the home that little time is left for development of their relationship.
Some husbands are almost obsessed with the desire to progress in a career and invest untold hours in an effort to succeed.
Because of this lack of time together, the opportunities for spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy are limited.
Do what works.
Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
Do not let the simplicity of this strategy make you doubt it. If you are feeling that your marriage is heading for a parallel state, stop and rediscover the techniques you used in times past when you were initially building your relationship. With few exceptions, they will still work.
Speak the language of love.
Another old and reliable technique for keeping love alive in marriage is to tell your spouse, at least once a day, how much you love and appreciate him or her.
But say it in the language your spouse understands best.
Some of us like words, some appreciate actions, and some respond best to touch. Discover and use your spouse’s love language.
Touch to say hello and good-bye.
Touching when one is leaving home or returning can be a very effective way to bring parallel tracks together. The partner who is leaving for a period of time—not just to put out the cat—can seek out the spouse and lovingly say good-bye with a hug or a kiss. The spouse who is returning can seek out the partner and use this same technique to say, “I missed you and I’m glad I can be with you again.” You will feel the benefit of these simple behaviors almost immediately.
Look for the good.
Don’t be a faultfinder, be a “good” finder. Negativism and criticism create distance between two people; being positive and complimentary creates closeness.
Our focus needs to be on what is good in our relationship rather than what is bothering us, and we can help ourselves keep this focus by giving our spouses at least one sincere compliment a day.
We have been commanded to “cease to find fault one with another” (D&C 88:124). When we do this, not only will our spouses be happier, but we will find that we are too.
Avoid the discouraging word.
Most of us enjoy being around someone who builds us up and makes us feel good. Using words of encouragement, love, respect, courtesy, appreciation, admiration, and gratitude as we talk with one another will motivate us to spend more time together.
Smell the roses.
Wise couples find a few minutes each day to ponder the blessings of their marriage—its potential for eternity, how much they appreciate each other, and so forth. There is a double benefit in this if we not only think these thoughts but also express them to our mates in word and deed.
Experience the wonder of the weekly date.
Not only does the much-recommended weekly date allow husband and wife to spend time in enjoyable activities together, it also sends the message that the relationship is important.
One easy way to plan dates: each spouse submits a list of 10 activities he or she would enjoy with the partner. Cut these two papers into 20 small suggestion slips and put these in a bowl. Then each week draw one slip from the bowl and pursue that activity as the date for the week.
Render “due benevolence.”
Benevolence includes such behaviors as respect, courtesy, kindness, and generosity. Make the effort to find out more about your spouse’s job or home activities. Show an interest in learning about your spouse’s daily responsibilities—both the enjoyable and the burdensome aspects.
Explore new ways to help.
Husbands, if your wife is primarily responsible for care of the home and statistics show that this is commonly true even when both spouses work. Find out what you can do to help with the load and clear the way for the two of you to spend more time together. Don’t tell her how to do her work better; let her teach you.
Wives, if your husband isn’t the kind to speak up about the pressure he’s under at work, can you find a way to lend your listening ear and let him know you’re concerned?
But take warning: It’s possible for a husband to take his turn at the dishes in such a
put-upon way that it communicates anger, not love.
Improve open communication.
Make time to talk about things other than children or family finances.
Do you really know how your spouse feels about your relationship? About plans to reform local government or build the new school? About plans for retirement?
Some groups in society advocate spilling “100% whatever’s on your mind”. We do not.
We are with those who suggest “measured honesty,” so that we share important feelings but in an atmosphere of love and support rather than hostility, using self-discipline and sincerity in expression.
Learn to listen, be specific and reasonable in your requests, use positive and corrective feedback, clarify what you mean as you give messages, and learn to ask questions.
Renew our energy.
It is difficult to forgive seventy times seven when we’re angry or exhausted.
Don’t try and talk about differences when you’re too angry or too tired.
Doing something that makes you feel relaxed, happy, and at peace with yourself first. For some people it means taking time for a walk, or to read, or to make cookies, or to do something for someone. The list could be endless. Just figure out what works for you, and do it.
Pray together.
Prayer can bring revelation in the form of ideas. Sometimes problem-solving is that divinely simple. Of course all difficulties aren’t instantly resolved by a few prayers. But prayer can change our attitudes and help us become more willing to work with each other.
Prayer brings many possibilities—one of which is peace. And although a feeling of peace doesn’t by itself eliminate most challenges, it can help us work together better, or endure the problems better, or recognize that we don’t need to solve them immediately. Peace can also give us the emotional room to find other answers.
Some matters simply take time to work out.
Scripture study.
Study the scriptures together. What does it truly mean to have a contrite spirit? Who is our neighbor, one who may be figuratively stripped and wounded, and how can we help him or her?
Forgive One Another
Many couples hold grudges for years, sometimes using the memory of hurts as justification for punishing each other. Their unwillingness to forgive stifles communication, and their interaction becomes strained. A marriage can collapse under the weight of unforgiven offenses. This doesn’t mean we must always give in or let our spouses take advantage of us. It means we should look for areas of compromise or say clearly yet kindly how we feel about our spouse’s actions.
Keys to Forgiveness in a Marriage
1. See the situation from your spouse’s point of view.
2. Trade places with your spouse and imagine how much you would like to be forgiven.
3. Remember all the good things about your spouse. The positive will almost always outweigh the negative.
4. Speak only when you feel you are in control of your emotions.
5. Forget about who is right and who is wrong.
6. Seek the Spirit. The Holy Ghost will help you to forgive.
Many couples spend time determining who is making the greatest contribution to their marriage. They believe that a marriage will work only if it is a 50–50 relationship. Often neither feels that the other is being fair, resulting in each being constantly upset about how little the other partner gives to the marriage.
When couples change their focus from how much they each could receive to how much they each could give, their marriage can began to improve.
Keys to Fairness in Marriage
1. Focus on giving to your spouse.
2. Don’t keep track of how much you give and how much you receive.
3. Be sensitive to your spouse’s needs, and recognize they are probably different from yours.
4. Learn to speak each other’s “language of love.”
Judging is a frequent source of conflict in a marriage. Usually, judgments are based on false assumptions.
Both the assumptions as well as the accusations can lead to anger and resentment.
Judging a spouse harshly is usually an indication that something is amiss in our own lives. Instead, we should ask ourselves, Why does this behavior or attitude of my spouse bother me so much?
Keys to Avoid Judging
1. Keep the lines of communication open. Couples who regularly talk to each other are less likely to have serious misunderstandings.
2. Have realistic expectations for your spouse.
3. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
4. Remember that people’s strengths and weaknesses differ. We all grow at our own rates.
5. Look for ways you can change, not ways your partner can change.
Use Self-Control to overcome Anger
Anger is self-serving; it feeds only our own worst emotions.
The alternative to anger is self-control. This doesn’t mean that we should never express our displeasure or correct offensive behavior. But when we do, we need to keep in mind that it is the behavior that is offensive, not the individual being corrected.
The keys are self-control and love. These attributes are developed over time and take patience.
Keys to Overcoming Anger
1. When you feel angry, ask yourself, Who will benefit if I express my anger? If a criticism will not benefit the one toward whom it is directed, don’t say it.
2. If it is necessary to reprove, practice the principle of correcting quickly and clearly and then showing afterwards an increase of love toward the one reproved.
3. Avoid name-calling, especially in anger.
4. Work on increasing your self-control in other areas of your life.